Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The 10 Manliest Men of Geekdom

Part of me feels inclined to write some sort of witty introduction to this list. After looking it over, though, I think it speaks for itself.  So, without further delay, here's my list of The 10 Manliest Men of Geekdom. I'm not responsible for any feelings of intimidation or insecurity you might suffer while reading it.

Dillon (Charles S. Dutton), Alien 3

I don’t know what Dillon did to get shipped off to Fury 161, and I don’t want to know. Dillon was equal parts Louis Farrakhan, Charles Bronson and Jesus, a man who refused to let the system break him while at the same time fighting for the lost souls of the men around him. But Dillon was neither soft-spoken nor a pacifist: fall out of line and he’ll cave your skull in with whatever’s at hand. His dying words: “Is that all you got, motherfucker?!”

Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford)
Indiana Jones was killing nazis years before the rest of America found out how much fun it was. He'd also crawl through a crypt of giant spiders if he thought there was a buck in it, and recognized that fortune and glory were profoundly underrated ideals. Also, just because you're in a palace full of satanic cultists doesn't mean you don't have time to get your groove on.

Wolverine (comicbook version)
Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is a total puss compared to the Chris Claremont version, who was constantly fighting the urge to settle every dispute with his fists (not to mention those pointy things that pop out of his fists.) Comicbook Wolverine stood 5’2”,  smoked like a chimney, wore a cowboy hat in upstate New York and was as  hairy as bear. Speaking of bears, he once killed one in a straight fight and then tracked down the hunters that had wounded it and kicked their asses, as well.

Brock Samson (Patrick Warburton), The Venture Bros.
Honestly, Samson is so manly that there's almost no room on this list for anyone else. He thinks guns are for pussies and will fight henchmen, monsters and the occasional chupacabra with nothing but his trusty bowie knife. Samson has also never met a women so sleazy, deadly or crazy that he couldn't find a moment to bag her. Oh, and the first guy he ever killed was in a football game.

Denton Van Zan (Matthew McConaughey), Reign of Fire
What do you do when the world goes belly up, society crumbles and the sky is filled with fire-breathing killer dragons? If you’re Denton Van Zan, you load up a truck with your friends and go dragon hunting. Van Zan turned the apocalypse into a lifestyle and died the way he lived: swinging a big fucking battle axe.

Montgomery Scott (James Doohan,) Star Trek
Think you’re cool because you know how to change the oil in your car? Fuck you. Scotty can change a warp coil in a starship while blind stinking drunk. Give him five minutes, a bottle of scotch and a Jeffries Tube and he can make a space ship do things it’s not designed to do (such as violate the laws of physics.) And heaven help you if he hears you talking trash about his ride …

Yukon Cornelius (voice by Larry D. Mann), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
The guy got into a fist fight with a Yeti. By all rights he should have made this list based on his beard, alone, but let me say this again: He got into a fist fight. With a yeti. Kinda makes your fear of the germs look silly, doesn’t it?

 Bender Bending Rodriguez (voice by John Di Maggio), Futurama
Bender is such a badass  that he makes this list without the virtue of even being an actual man. Sure, he’s an ego-driven sociopath, but the guy can bend steel girders with his hands and is powered by booze. Bender also doesn’t shy away from adversity. After pawning his body for its precious metals, he takes that money and buys a sweet-ass ride for his newly liberated head.

 AD Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi), The X-Files
Is he a good guy or a bad guy? When he was first introduced, The X-Files played Skinner’s loyalties pretty close to the vest. By the time the show was over, though, you only saw Skinner when Mulder and Scully needed to bring out the big guns. He might have been a bureaucrat at heart, but he looked like Patrick Stewart after soaking up too many gamma rays – and had the Hulk’s temperament to match.

Marv (Mickey Rourke), Sin City
Prone to acts of sponateous violence, Marv was also deeply loyal to the few people who took the time to acknowledge his existence. Which is when his troubles really start … his last days are spent on a misguided (and likely delusional) mission to find the killers of a hooker named Goldie. Everyone involved knows it’s doomed to bloody failure, but that doesn’t sway Marv from his course. After cutting a bloody swath through Basin City’s power structure, he resigned himself to death at the hands of the state and still had the last laugh.

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