Melbourne was once known as ... Batmania?

The Bronx cover Prince (video above.)

* If it's on the Internet then it must be true: Melbourne, Austrailia, was once known as Batmania?

* De-Animator: Online Flash game pits you against Lovecraftian zombies. Link.

* Casting call for Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit video. Link.

I dig the chainsaw bayonet, but the silencer is probably redundant.

From Something Awful (obviously.)

Trailer: MARVEL VS. CAPCOM 3

A sneak peak at the next installment of the video game series with unusually strong legs. The presence of the Super Skrull validates this game's reason to exist.

Trailer for Star Wars: The Old Republic

A few thoughts on Batman: Arkham Asylum 3-D

There's nothing like the rush of spending money you don't have on something you don't need.

I bought my first video game of 2010 yesterday. It's the "game of the  year" edition of Batman: Arkham Asylum, a game I already own. The new edition has a few additional challenge levels (something I don't care all that much about) but also includes a 3-D version of the game. It's the first 3-D video game I've ever played.

The graphics were, of course, retrofitted for 3-D and not initially designed to be seen in this format. It works well for the game play, but the cut scenes suffer a little from quick editing. Whenever there's a scene chance your eyes are forced to re-focus on whatever imagery you're looking at ... and this animation wasn't created with that kind of balance in mind. So expect the picture to briefly go in and out of focus whenever the camera changes positions.

For the game, though, this isn't really an issue since you've got control of it's movement (which is anchored to Batman's movement.) While it's certainly nice to look at, the 3-D never gets much better than the average View-Master reel. Batman is often pretty blurry because he's always in the foreground, but what's exciting is that 3-D offers a possible solution to a long-standing problem I've had with video games since the 1980s: false depth of vision. You can only do so much with shading and forced perspective to create the illusion of depth in a video game, and 3-D might be the "push" to finally trick your eyes into believing what they're seeing.

The 3-D in Batman: Arkham Asylum an interesting first step, but we've got a ways to go before this problem is permanently solved. In the meantime, enjoy the 3-D of Arkham Asylum for what it is: a novelty transposed to an already fun game.

Journey: Arcade Flyer

Journey once had an arcade game. In fact, they might have been the first rock band to have their own coin-op video game.

This is the point where I would usually point out how tragic that is, but I like Journey. It's actually possible to like The Dead Kennedys, Cab Calloway and Journey simultaneously, despite what you might hear.

Ms. Pac-Man: Arcade Flyer

Ms. Pac-Man is one sexy lady. Not that I'm into freakishly disproportionate mutants with compulsive eating disorders, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating power pills, either.

The Punisher: Arcade Flier

"They killed his family. They destroyed his career. Someone's gonna pay."

That's a really dark tagline for a game that's a fairly typical side-scrolling shoot 'em up. You could also play Nick Fury in the two-player version of this game, who apparently didn't need such a tragic motivation to blow the holy hell out of NYC's underworld.

Rocky Horror: The Game

The Commodore 64 was one of the greatest home computers ever. Even though game play has grown more sophisticated over the years, I don't think I've ever enjoyed a game system or PC quite as much at the old C64.

I'm not sure what was going on with the home computer market in those days. While it was certainly limited (I can't believe C64 sales were even a quarter of the Nintendo Entertainment System) there was a shocking array of games made for it. Such as Danger Mouse, The Evil Dead, two Aliens games and even one based on the Paul McCartney movie Give My Regards to Broad Street.

Also among the oddities was a game based on The Rocky Horror Show (sans Picture.) The game followed pretty close to the story of thestage play and movie. At least, I assumed it did ... I never beat the bastard thanks to that asshole Eddie, who rocketed his motorcycle across the screen at inopportune times and ended many a game. It's been 20+ years since I played the game and I still hold a grudge.

Adding to the game's complications were Magenta and Columbia, who would steal your clothes if you touched them. Hands covering your shame (so to speak) you'd have to locate your clothes before you could continue the game ... but Eddie'd probably get you no matter what you did, so why bother? Everything I know about nihilism I learned from the Rocky Horror game.

I don't remember how I came across the game but I didn't buy it (I don't remember ever seeing it in store, either.) I was part of a fairly elaborate network of game pirates at the time, guys who used charming nicknames like Dr. Abortion. My handle, not surprisingly, was Creepshow.

Addendum: It looks like I might have another chance to see Rocky Horror with an actual audience. More on that later.

Tron Game Tip #2

Here are more tips for ... well, not "beating" the Tron arcade game. I don't think any arcade game from those days could be "won," but tips like these could help you get more play for your money.

To your left is a sticker released with the 1982 Tron trading card series. The front shows the light cycle game (duh) while the back offers advice on how not to go out like Clu. You know, the guy in yellow who screamed like a little girl right before he crashed and derezzed.

Click the images to get a closer look.

Contra: Game Flyer

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start.

Tron Game Tip #1

Tron had some of the geekiest merchandise ever produced for a movie. And I mean that in a good way.

In addition to the Gummi Bear-influenced action figures, rip-cord powered lightcycles, trading cards, hand-held LCD games and the rest of it was a series of trading cards from Donruss.

With these cards was a small sticker set which included tips for the arcade game on the reverse side. I've scanned this series of stickers, both front and back, and will be posting them in coming weeks. Here's the first:

Aliens: Arcade Flyer

James Cameron might think he's king of the world, but once upon a time he was Sigourney Weaver's bitch.
Cameron and 2oth Century Fox made the mistake of developing Aliens before they signed Weaver to a contract. By the time they realized their mistake it was too late to plan another option, and Weaver jacked them for one of the biggest paychecks an actress had ever received. And she earned every penny, too.

Afterward, it became clear that Fox couldn't afford Weaver for their various spin-off projects. Not only did the "Ripley" who appeared in the Dark Horse comics look little like her, but neither did the later action figures. They even hired another model for the promo shots appearing on the toy art.

The same must have been true for the Aliens arcade game, because the model seen in the game flier above ... well, see for yourself.

Deluxe Space Invaders

Most days of the week I'm of the mind that Ms. Pac-Man is the greatest arcade game ever. Other days I'll argue that Tron is the superior game, while on others I fall back in love with Donkey Kong.

It's hard to argue that Space Invaders doesn't deserve a little love and respect, though. It' still a very playable game today and the guys behind the "Deluxe" revision were smart enough to know not to tamper with a successful formula.

Arcade Flyer: TRON

It's rather amazing how much stuff that is now collectible was once considered trash.
Above is an example of this metamorphosis: a flier sent to arcade owners and managers in the early 1980s to persuade them to order Tron. These kinds of things were once tossed in the trash but have since turned into valued relics.

Back around 1984 one of the home computer systems (Atari? Intellivision? I forget which) created a joy stick for home computers modeled on Tron's arcade controller. I saw it a few times, but never managed to secure one. Depending on my mood, Tron is my absolute favorite arcade game ... other times Ms. Pac-Man and Donkey Kong hold the top spot.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The words "frustrating" and "'fun" don't pop up often in the same sentence, but I think both words could be used to adequately describe Infocom's classic text game of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Penned by HG2G mastermind Douglas Adams about a quarter of a century ago (gah!) it was one of many pitstops taken by the story as it traveled from medium to medium. And, like all of Adams' other translations of HG2G, it sometimes contradicted other versions of the story (as well as sometimes contradicting itself.)
This game emerged in the days of "text adventures," a short-lived era that also produced the original Zork games. It didn't take long for programmers to figure out how to add graphics and music to the events, though, with games like Questprobe, Danger Mouse, Maniac Mansion and Monkey Island evolving from those early efforts.
And HG2G isn't content to simply walk you through a story. It's loaded with jokes, some of them at your expense. At one point in the game, for example, you have to find your way through a not-so-difficult maze of spaceship corridors. There are only three ways to go, but all appear to lead to dead ends. Only one of them is not a dead end ... the game is simply lying to you and will admit to such if you continue to pressure it. Bastard.
And then there's the famous solution to the game, which is probably responsible for more than a few aneurysms. It's been about 25 years since I was snookered by the game and I'm still equal parts bemused and pissed off.
The version of the game I had as a kid came with a "Don't Panic" button, a zip lock bag holding a microscopic fleet of spaceships, a pair of panic-sensitive sunglasses (made of black cardboard) and some navel lint. That last little item was a clue, though I wouldn't know it until it was too late.


The game maintains a cult following and has been revived a number of times. It's even been tweeked during some of these revisions, sometimes in splendid ways. You can currently play it online for free at BBC Radio 4, pictured above. Check it out.

MATINEE: Krull (1983)

KRULL (1983)

The Plot:

The Plot (Shortform): The primitive world of Krull is invaded by aliens from a nameless planet. During the marriage of Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa, these creatures — called the Slayers — invade the festivities and kill most of the wedding party. They also ride off with Lyssa, leaving Colwyn wounded but alive. Colwyn undertakes a journey to the aliens’ ship to rescue the princess from the Black Fortress.

The Heritage: Krull got a decent rollout from Columbia Pictures in 1983, and is among the last films of its kind (i.e. shameless knock offs of Star Wars.) While Columbia apparently didn’t have enough faith in the film to generate the kinds of toys and trading cards seen with similar films, they did secure an arcade game based on the film (and it was pretty damn good.) There was also a board game and a movie adaptation published by Marvel Comics. If you’re of a certain age, you might have a little undeserved love for Krull.

Response: With a budget of $27 million, the film had a big opening weekend but faded quickly. Ultimately, it took in only $16 million domestically.

But that doesn’t always spell death for a film. The Beastmaster found its fans through television showings, while Eddie and the Cruisers and Highlander picked up followings on video. Considered a flop in 1984 (for reason I’ll get into in another column,) Dune’s fanbase only continues to grow.

More than two decades later, though and Krull has still failed to find a receptive audience. Still, there are a few random Krull tribute pages at MySpace. Tell them I sent you.

Fansite #1 Fansite #2

The Film: Just because a story has been told 1,000 times before doesn’t mean it can’t successfully be told again. Unfortunately, the story to 1983’s Krull’s is essentially “Hero’s Journey 101,” only without any particular thought or attention given to establish it’s own character. All of the basic story structures are there, from the recent death of the hero’s father, to the friends he picks up along his quest, right down to the climax of the movie. The only problem is that these facets are grafted to the movie’s few original ideas without finding an organic way to integrate them into the story.

For example is Ergo, the “wizard” character, who literally drops out of the sky as Colwyn journeys to the Black Fortress. He comes from nowhere, has no stake in the story and joins Colwyn for no obvious reason other than he’s supposed to.

The same can be said for the motley group of criminals who join Colwyn on his trek. These are all prisoners who had presumably escaped his father’s rule and, when learning they have his son captive decide to follow him on his suicide mission to win the freedom they already have.

While the movie fails on the script level, director Peter Yates (who is always confuse with Peter Hyams and, oddly, Mike Badham) fares a little better. There are a lot of great ideas in the film, though their presentation leaves much to be desired. The movie’s concept is like Star Wars in reverse. While Krull’s obvious inspiration was a science-fiction film that used elements of fantasy, Yates creates a world of fantasy with elements of science fiction. “The Black Fortress” is actually a huge spaceship, but it’s never referred to as such because the characters have no vocabulary for such a thing. Someone mentions the Slayers come from another world, but they could very well have been talking about angels or demons.

The photography and special effects are frustrating. Some of the effects are surprisingly good (even by today’s standards) but the photography betrays the film at every turn. Whenever the camera steps away from the action you get some very beautiful work, but anything that deals directly with the characters is overlit and pedestrian. Whenever we get too close to the characters, Krull feels significantly older than it’s age.

The hero’s special weapon is also problematic. By this point we’d already seen Luke Skywalker, King Arthur, Indiana Jones, Perseus and others kick some ass using their special weapons, but you don’t get to see Colwyn use his until the final few minutes of the movie. Called the “glaive,” it’s essentially a dull throwing star with extending knifes at the tip of each point. It’s neat looking, but is a "use once and discard" kind of weapon.

The Music: James Horner rehashes a lot of his ideas from the Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan soundtrack, but that’s okay. STII’s score is amazing, so I’ll forgive him. It’s not his best work, but it gets the job done — and constantly tricks me into thinking it’s a better movie than it really is.

The Cast: Better than it’s generally given credit for. Ken Marshall takes a lot of shit for his performance as Colwyn, which I think is unfair. He’s a good-looking guy and falls snugly into the Errol Flynn role the film desperately needed. The script doesn’t require any more from him than that. Besides, Josh Hartnett has spent his entire career coasting on less talent.

The presence of Lysette Anthony and the even lovelier Francesca Annis don’t hurt either (though Annis is buried under some unflattering make-up and Anthony’s voice was re-dubbed by American actress Lindsay Crouse.)

Along for the ride are Freddie Jones (who would re-team with Annis in Dune the following year,) Robbie Coltrane and Liam Neeson. In 1999, Neeson would appear in another Star Wars knock-off called The Phantom Menace.

End of Line: Krull is not without it’s charms, but I couldn’t really recommend this film to anyone outside of The Geek Generation. It gets extra points for nostalgia (mostly because emotions refuse to listen to reason) and I can’t really separate the film’s weakness from my memories of shoveling quarters into the video game. Krull is a curio you might not like, but you probably won’t regret watching.

And in case you need a cultural marker to understand how old Krull is, here’s a clip of the Atari 2600 version of the arcade game.